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Driftwood’s on holiday next week …

Yeah, how can a guy on a deserted island take a vacation, you ask?

Easy. I’ve recently developed a lightbulb made from a small island-dwelling glow worm and powered by old coconuts.* The bug changes color as it gets older, so I’ve been able to make a nice string of red, green, white, and orange Christmas lights. (I plan to remove the red ones and reuse the lights for St. Patrick’s day.) I think it’s an important discovery and I plan to present my ideas in a paper upon my rescue and return to dry land. That is, if I’m rescued before I cause the extinction of the species. Hey, a man’s got to have his Christmas celebration, right?

There will be no Christmas goose this year, but I have high hopes that my waterbird trap will produce results any day now. Even if it’s just a seagull. They probably taste like chicken (when you haven’t had chicken in a year and a half, anything can taste like chicken if you put your mind to it).

Fortunately, the internet allows me to stay in touch with the family and/or disconnect from them with plausible deniability. It’s also allowed me to use Google maps to try to locate myelf, but unfortunately, without street view, I can’t be certain which particular deserted island I’m on, or even in which ocean, really. I have high hopes that the little car with a camera on top will pass by me any day. It did all of Northern Ontario, and Canada’s really big. It will surely pass by me. And then I can send my coordinates to someone to rescue me.

In the meantime, please enjoy some selections from our archives. You might want to look up stuff by our regular writers:

Bill Chaisson

Paul-Emile Comeau

Ellen Geisel

Craig Harris

Jack Hunter

Jim Lee

Devon Leger

Jeff Lindholm

Jacob Luckey

TJ McGrath

Tom Nelligan

Michael Parrish

H. Stephen Patton

Jon Patton

Mitch Ritter

Michael Tager

Dan Willging

For long-form stuff, including articles by a few writers not listed here, you can go to the category menu at the bottom of the site and choose “Articles and Columns.”

—Jack Hunter

*or sometimes, gaseous fumes produced by many coconuts.

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