Yeah, how can a guy on a deserted island take a vacation, you ask?
Easy. I’ve recently developed a lightbulb made from a small island-dwelling glow worm and powered by old coconuts.* The bug changes color as it gets older, so I’ve been able to make a nice string of red, green, white, and orange Christmas lights. (I plan to remove the red ones and reuse the lights for St. Patrick’s day.) I think it’s an important discovery and I plan to present my ideas in a paper upon my rescue and return to dry land. That is, if I’m rescued before I cause the extinction of the species. Hey, a man’s got to have his Christmas celebration, right?
There will be no Christmas goose this year, but I have high hopes that my waterbird trap will produce results any day now. Even if it’s just a seagull. They probably taste like chicken (when you haven’t had chicken in a year and a half, anything can taste like chicken if you put your mind to it).
Fortunately, the internet allows me to stay in touch with the family and/or disconnect from them with plausible deniability. It’s also allowed me to use Google maps to try to locate myelf, but unfortunately, without street view, I can’t be certain which particular deserted island I’m on, or even in which ocean, really. I have high hopes that the little car with a camera on top will pass by me any day. It did all of Northern Ontario, and Canada’s really big. It will surely pass by me. And then I can send my coordinates to someone to rescue me.
In the meantime, please enjoy some selections from our archives. You might want to look up stuff by our regular writers:
For long-form stuff, including articles by a few writers not listed here, you can go to the category menu at the bottom of the site and choose “Articles and Columns.”
*or sometimes, gaseous fumes produced by many coconuts.